Smart Senior

Senior to Senior: Loneliness

Loneliness is a deeply personal experience; it is multifaceted and encompasses more than just finding yourself physically alone. Even if you are a quiet independent curmudgeon, you will experience loneliness at times, it’s human nature. Studies show that more than a third of adults over the age of 45 feel lonely at times. Life becomes challenging as you age, and loneliness is just the tip of the iceberg. You may find yourself unemployed and living alone. You may have lost a loved one or have health-related conditions (disabilities) that have brought you down. It’s called Life 101. For some reason seniors struggle with reaching out. Simple things like spending an afternoon at the library, having lunch at the senior center, or signing up for a class or two becomes difficult. It’s almost as if there is an invisible wall, a social stigma, attached to admitting that you feel lonely. Yes, misery loves company, but it is more than that. Humans are by nature social beings and even the “quiet ones,” crave company at times. People really do need other people and thankfully other people need them. Some people admittedly, are not “people persons.” There is nothing wrong with you if you like your own company, if you hate noise, and if you tend to avoid chaotic situations, but that said, socialization is important. Studies show that there is a link between socialization and good mental health. Instead of allowing feelings of anxiety and depression rule your life, it behooves you bend a little. You may not be as “okay” as you think. Examine signs and symptoms of loneliness. Have you become nervous about participating in social gatherings, has there been changes in your daily routines, are you having trouble sleeping, or are you feeling bored or tired too much of the time? It’s time to get a grip and do something about it. Get out of the house. Join a group that focuses on activities that you used to enjoy. Spend time outdoors, exercise, and allow yourself to be intellectually curious. Admit that you feel lonely. Know that others are lonely too. Be the first to reach out. You will be glad you did.

Senior to Senior: Helicopter Families

It makes me sad to see vibrant seniors, who have served as caregivers and heads of their own households, lose their sense of self. Often this occurs when the unthinkable happens, the loss of a spouse. Of course, it is great to be cosseted and to be surrounded by love, but the aftermath can be scary. The danger of being caught up in a “poor me” scenario looms. Families swoop in to provide comfort and support, but the dynamics change, and something else happens. Before you know it, you find yourself stepping back as your loved ones commandeer your life. Your sense of self takes a nosedive. Too much busyness and too much support can prevent the new widow/widower from going through the well-studied grieving process. Without grief there is no healing. Without healing it is impossible to move forward. Gently take your life back. Stand up for yourself. Do not get too comfortable in this newfound cocoon of dependency. Of course, everyone needs comfort and support, but never forget that you deserve to be given a chance to redefine yourself. Age does not define personal growth. There is nothing worse than losing your sense of self. You have heard of the term helicopter parenting. Whether you approved or even participated is moot. You probably thought it was the right thing to do at the time, but what happens when the shoe is on the other foot, when your children start making decisions for you? Motivated by love, yes, but what happens to “you” when they swoop in and decide that you need to be “taken care of”? It doesn’t take long for an independent senior to start doubting his/her capabilities. Guidance is something that most seniors welcome, but psychologists suggest that too much guidance can do more harm than good, at any age. Psychological growth occurs when an individual faces life’s challenges and takes part in planning for the “rest of their lives.” Seniors are still people. If treated like passive recipients by their families, they miss out on the chance to remain relevant and to grow.

Senior to Senior: Please Use My Name

Do you bristle when a stranger, or a new acquaintance, has the audacity to call you by your first name? It seems that many people, especially seniors, feel that this is a disrespectful breach of etiquette. The sound of your name should be music to your ears. Your parents put a great deal of thought into giving you a name that would reflect how much you meant to them. It was the first word that you heard and the first word that you understood. It became your identity. Your name is a part and parcel of who you are. It is the one thing that has remained constant throughout your entire life. So when did the issue of not wanting to hear your given name crop up? If you are offended when someone addresses you by your given name, it could be a sign that your sense of “self” has been eroded. When did a title become more important, more respectful, more meaningful, than your own given name? The next time someone, not in your immediate social circle, asks if they can call you by your first name, you might want to give them a break. It might be that a professor is trying to sound less judgmental or condescending. It could be that your doctor is trying to be friendly, or that he/she wants you to know that they see you as a person and not just a diagnosis. If you feel insignificant when someone addresses you by your first name, it is more your problem than theirs. You are certainly within your rights to request a more traditional form of address but be sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Yes, people are more informal these days, but isn’t that a good thing? It means that they are trying to connect on a one-on-one basis. We complain that interpersonal relationships are strained these days, so try to think of this informality as an attempt to bridge the gap. Let go of petty annoyances and be glad that someone wants to talk to you at all.

Senior to Senior: Friendships

A friendship takes two, right? Why is it that some people can’t be bothered to make an effort to sustain a relationship? It’s not intentional you say, your life is busy. What kind of excuse is that, especially after retirement? One day you are going to need a friend, and no one will be there for you. Time communicating with friends and family should never take a back to seat to “busywork.” Saying that you have nothing to say is a poor excuse. You’d have to live in a vacuum for that to be true. Life is full of things to share. Researchers tell us that that social relationships are important to health and wellbeing. If that isn’t enough to pique your interest, what is? Social circles dwindle over time. Alas, friends move away, enter retirement homes, succumb to dementia, or die. Holding on to friends, new and old, is all you have left. A friendship takes two. If you always start your letters or phone calls with apologies and excuses, you aren’t a very good friend. Making new friends falls into the same category. People complain about being lonely but are reluctant to meet or greet. It takes an effort to nurture relationships. You are being remiss if you always leave it to the other guy to initiate. For older people it often means establishing or re-establishing long-distance friendships. It can be quite satisfying if you are willing to do the work. Stay in touch, one way or another. A letter can be just as satisfying as a luncheon date, but not if you wait two months to answer. Reach out, stay in touch regularly. So many options: Plan visits when possible or let technology do the work (video chatting, phone calls, e-mails, text messaging, Facebook), so easy. Tell someone you are thinking about them today. It is sad indeed if you feel you are too busy to take 10 minutes to jot a note, send a text, or leave a voice message. If you know people who make you feel good, uplift your spirit and share your passions, you should keep them close.

Senior to Senior: Hero's

There could be a hero living next door to you, and you don’t even know it. No media coverage, no notoriety, and no community recognition, but a hero just the same. People think of heroes as those who can leap tall buildings, or fling themselves into harm’s way, but it is much more than that. Heroes are also ordinary people who silently go above and beyond the call of duty. Be inspired, not only by glamorous singers or sports figures, unless they are using their fame and fortune for the greater good, but of the everyday heroes in your life. It could be a pastor, a teacher, a parent, or a little league coach. So many heroes that you likely have lost count. What about people who have triumphed over illness or disabilities? What about caregivers who devote hours looking after friends or relatives while juggling their own lives? What about the co-workers who mentored you with patience and kindness? Look closer at the ordinary people. People who help others, whether by running errands or lending a shoulder to cry on. Appreciate them and emulate them. Heroes are good people who do kind and selfless acts just because they can. There are millions of heroes out there wearing invisible superhero capes. They don’t expect thanks or adoration, but it would be nice if you would take a minute or two to let them know that you see them. You can be a hero too. Be a hero by setting a good example. Be a role model that others can look up to. Show people that you care about them and that you will always be there for them. Not everyone has the ability or fortitude to react quickly enough to save someone in dire circumstances, but the people who deal with the aftermath of tragedy are heroes too. What makes someone a hero is the ability to change the lives of those around them by using their own altruistic powers. Humor, caring, and joy are superpowers, and they go a long way.

Senior to Senior: Stereotypes and Aging

Greeting card companies are starting to have second thoughts about cards that treat aging with hilarity, and let’s face it, disdain. Seniors today have ceased to find jokes that demean aging the least little bit funny. Making fun of looks, abilities, handicaps, and potential mental disparities is sin poor taste, and should not be tolerated. The worst part is when older folks, the targets, start to believe what they hear. People who are exposed to words like confused, forgetful, senile, and frail are more apt to accept this as normal. Negative words about aging can be spirit breaking. Studies show that seniors who believe these condescending stereotypes are more apt to develop health problems. While society now considers it unacceptable to be openly sexist, racist or homophobic, old people are still fair game. Fight stereotypes by not letting others patronize you or treat you like a child. Having a handicap, of any kind, does not mean that your intelligence or your capabilities have been dumbed down. It is time to lift your chin up, throw your shoulders back, and speak up. Make it known that aging is about being accomplished, alert, astute, creative, and experienced. Do your part. Try saying no to “senior moments” or expressions like “over the hill,” and for heaven’s sake don’t repeat them. Accept help but don’t portray yourself as helpless. Do not allow people to take over and do things for you that you can do for yourself. Ageism cuts both ways…don’t feel that age is an excuse for your behavior…thinking that you have nothing to learn from young people or that you already know everything you need to know, is as bad as young people thinking that you are boring, poorly educated, or a know-it-all. Viewing aging as nothing but decline is unacceptable. Negative thoughts about aging are mired in ignorance. Your job is to educate your public and let them know that you are still here. Each birthday should be seen as a reflection of your growth and development, a new beginning.

Senior to Senior: Senior Pets

Alone. Alone. Alone. No one to talk to, no one to take care of, no one to greet you when you come home after a day of work, play, or errands. No one to set the tenor or your day. Depression and loneliness can occur at any age, but seniors are more vulnerable than most. Even active seniors spend more time at home than anywhere else. Whether they are depressed or not is an individual conundrum, but it is shameful to waste precious years in a perpetual state of unhappiness. An animal to love might be the answer. Most seniors agree that being needed and having something, or someone, to take care of gives them a sense of purpose. Pet lovers wonder how anyone could get through the day without a “best friend” in their house. People who aren’t pet lovers are just as adamant, feeling they are too old to be responsible for the care and feeding of themselves, much less anyone else. What if the pet outlives you? Granted this is a concern and one not to be taken lightly. Talk with friends, family members, or senior adoption agencies and come up with a plan. You might be surprised to learn that everything from food deliveries, at home veterinary services, dog-walking and rehoming options are available. Being able to care for someone is what we do and what we need. Pet Therapy has been used for years to relieve stress, reduce feelings of loneliness, and even offers physical health benefits. What’s not to love? Of course seniors need to consider their own health and capabilities before committing to the care of a pet. Puppies and kittens are too much, but what about adopting a senior pet. Older pets need just as much love, if not more, and make perfect companions. Welcome a mature companion into your home. They are already housebroken, and their personalities are pretty much set. What you see is what you get. They have outgrown their energetic phase, and will adapt to your needs, whether you want someone to exercise or just someone to hang out with. Friends who have pets seldom complain about depression or loneliness.

Senior to Senior: Grandparents As Teachers

Retirement is great. For many, it is the first chance, in a very long time, that you have time for some real “me time.” That said, once the honeymoon is over, you might find that you want to do something more important than playing bridge or meeting on the golf course. Now is the time to reach out, to find innovative ways to close that generation gap that you have been complaining about. This has nothing to do with providing a home for your adult children or buying expensive gifts to make your presence known. I Children are the future, and being able to help them meet the challenges that they will be facing is not only an obligation but a privilege. Babysitting is nice but it isn’t everything, unless you figure out little ways to sneak in some quality “educational time,” you are just another warm body. You may not have the time, or the energy, to attend all the little league games, or even keep the cookie jar filled, but you can contribute to the intellectual/educational wellbeing of the next generations. Forget about high-tech toys. The greatest gift a grandparent can give is to instill a love of reading. Family members, which includes you, are the first educators in a child’s life and it is good to get involved. Do not send expensive presents and then complain because you didn’t get a thank you note. Think books. Think reading. In this day and age it is possible, even for long-distance grandparents. to connect with young children. Arrange a daily or weekly time to connect and read together via Skype, Zoom or Facetime if necessary. Buy two copies of books, one for them and one for you. Read together. The media promotes merchandise, expensive toys, resources, and interactive screens, but they lose sight of the importance of family interaction. There is nothing more important than encouraging a lifelong love of reading. Time and love are the best gifts you can give a child…. interacting, reciting rhymes, counting, singing, reading, or just talking

Senior to Senior: Ordinary People

After all these years, it is time to admit that being ordinary is okay. You may not be one of the “beautiful people” that the media loves to hype, but you can be a VIP in your own right. We all hate being average. We see others excel in sports, in education, and in high finance, and we wonder why we can’t be good at just one thing. In actuality, we should be satisfied with being good, reasonably well-adjusted people, and enjoy the life we have. Why isn’t just having a nice life good enough? It is time to stop feeling that ordinary means average, mediocre, or dull. Instead, think of ordinary people as the normal ones. Most ordinary people will never be superstars, but they can be good solid citizens. They may not do anything particularly well, but if they combine their talents with others, they can change the world. Seniors are a good example of this because there are so many of them. Seniors collectively have more experience and common sense than any other age group. It matters. Look around you, have you noticed that ordinary people are in the majority? Numbers say it all. Ordinary people using their talents, opportunities, and experiences, can shine as brightly as a single superstar. This is a good thing, because where would society be without the people who work behind the scenes? It takes many players to make up a team. Each team player is important. It is unfortunate that ordinary people have been led to believe that they are second rate because they blend into the background. Never forget that ordinary people make up the backbone of workforces and communities everywhere. It is time for ordinary people to stop seeing themselves as too short, too tall, too skinny, too fat or too poor. They need to see themselves as the loving, caring individual that they are. Ordinary people may not be geniuses or champions, but they are good people who recognize that hard work and small triumphs are in themselves quite extraordinary.

Senior to Senior: Be A Good Neighbor

Being neighborly isn’t what it used to be. Our fast-paced world doesn’t give us much time for the little things, like being a good neighbor. Some people like it that way, but many regret the loss of community. People are nice enough, but the only time they seem to gather is when a snowstorm or other natural disaster occurs. It’s a shame that it takes a disaster to bring out our humanness. In the past, moving into a new community was a big deal. People introduced themselves, brought gifts, hosted barbeques and offered help. There would even be a Welcome Wagon Lady dropping by with information, coupons, and all sorts of goodies. Now, people are always busy, but it isn’t just that…people today tend to isolate. If you are lucky, you may get a wave or a quick hello, but for the most part people keep to themselves. Closed blinds and shut doors do not encourage spontaneous visits. The pandemic didn’t help, but even before that, being neighborly had ceased to be a social norm, it went the way of front porches. Porches were where people sat to watch the world go by and to do neighborly things, like talk. Nowadays porches and decks face the backyard instead of looking out over the street; all you see is a bank of garage doors when you walk by. Yes, things are different these days. Your zucchini bread isn’t welcome because people are either suspicious or on special diets. You must consider that your overtures may not be welcome, and we can’t ignore the fact that people have been shot for ringing the wrong doorbell, or for driving up to a house. What has happened to us? What does it take to be a good neighbor? Basically, all it takes is a big smile, a promise to watch out for one another, an offer of help, a little respect, and some common courtesy. Attend block parties, community cookouts, or other neighborhood events…mingle and form friendships. At the very least, respect everyone’s lifestyle, minimize noise, and keep your pets in check. I think that deep down everyone still wants to be a good neighbor.

Senior to Senior: Sensitivity

Have you written to an advice columnist to complain about thoughtless children and grandchildren lately? You are not alone if you feel slighted; it is rather heartbreaking. What does this say about them? What does it say about you? Professional answers to these questions are often unsatisfactory. They either suggest that it is a byproduct of your own childrearing practices, or that you are just being too judgmental. Rarely do they suggest that perhaps you are a “highly sensitive person.” Being a HSP (highly sensitive person) is a thing, and it is not necessarily a bad thing. HSP is a personality trait. It just means that you more tuned into doing the the “right thing” than others might be. It also suggests that you tend to blow things out of proportion, a little, and that others may not understand where you are coming from. Hypersensitivity leaves you wide open to hurt feeling and a fair amount of inter-personal conflicts. You may have to be the one to “let it go,” but if you understand the fault, no fault, part of the equation it will be easier. Sensitivity is just that; you cry at movies, and you read the last chapter of a book first, because you want to be assured of a happily ever after. You feel things that others may not understand. The positive aspects to being highly sensitive is that you truly do have the capacity to understand people and situations. These are good qualities; qualities that made you good therapists, teachers, coaches, artists and best friends. The downside is that you may be easily stressed and just too sensitive for words. Recognize your sensitivity. Talk to a therapist or seek supportive friends. Try not to take everything personally and try to understand those who aren’t as intuitive as you are. You might as well stop fussing and recognize that your children/grandchildren don’t perceive the world the same way you do. Have you tried including a self-addressed stamped postcard with little boxes for them to check, or can you accept that a smiley faced emoji says it all.