Do you sometimes need help but are afraid to ask for it? You may feel that the idea of being independent and the idea of accepting help contradict each other, but that isn’t necessarily true. Yes, there is a growing emphasis on promoting independence and self reliance in old age, but living independently does not mean that you should not accept help. Many people equate independence with being able to do manage on their own. But if you look at the history of mankind you will come to realize that very few of us can manage on our own, which is why we have families and communities of people living and working together.
As people age, many become less able to manage on their own, and it is here where they may run the risk of avoiding legitimate help. Some seniors become quite hostile when it is suggested that they might need a little help. As you can well imagine, the outcome is never good. Accepting help is important. Letting other people into your lives is important from both a physical and a social standpoint. According to an article by Mary Breheny and Christine Stephens for Ageing and Society: (Cambridge: November 2009), older people will often opt to refuse assistance if they are unable to reciprocate. Rid yourself of the notion that you are a burden. Let your families help you or allow a caregiver into your home. Reciprocity should be understood as a balance of giving and receiving help over time.
If it bothers you that you might reach the point where you can’t reciprocate, now would be a good time to help others so that you can feel good about yourself and help someone else at the same time. Decide today, while you are still healthy, what to do today in exchange for transportation to a doctors appointment tomorrow. Reciprocity is good. My mother is gone now but I would happily do anything, in exchange for a plate of her homemade cookies. Little things are important.
An article by Heidi Smith Luedtke in Arthritis Today Magazine (January/February 2009) touched on our reluctance to ask for help. You may fear rejection or feel that you are a burden on others. People are often perceived as being so busy that it makes others timid about asking for favors, and so you talk yourself out of asking. However, studies show that people actually underestimate the likelihood that others will say yes. From a social standpoint, people want to be perceived as helpful and kind. As long as you aren’t putting some one on the spot you needn’t feel guilty about asking. Don’t feel offended if they have to say no, even if they can’t help you they may be able to help you problem solve. The article also suggests that you ask the right person for the task. If you need help walking your dog ask a dog lover. If you need a few groceries ask someone who lives nearby and who shops regularly anyway. Be direct, don’t drop hints and wait for someone to volunteer. Make your specific requests known. Friends would most likely volunteer help unasked if they knew specifically what you needed.
It is not always easy for older people to ask for help. The pride and generational attitude of being able to take care of oneself wages a constant battle. You hate to ask for help but what can you do. Very likely the need for help may go beyond what neighbors and family can do, but don’t be shy about allowing someone to help you, it can make a difference. The Department of Health and Human Services Agency on Aging makes a point of helping seniors navigate the system and will continue to do so. The economy has impacted everybody so money isn’t as readily available but the one thing everyone can give is time and kindness.
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